i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
