I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
