do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
