Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
