seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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