my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
