i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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