if you like me you must not know who I am
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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