Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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