Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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