I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
