My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
time to smoke my breakfast
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
