Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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