Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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