I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize