Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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