I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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