I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
