why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
