you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
