no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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