I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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