He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
