how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
