1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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