the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
