You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
