i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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