just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
