I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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