I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
