one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
