this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize