Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
