Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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