Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
