I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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