So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
