I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
