i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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