i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize