Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
