he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
