Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
