Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
