Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
