So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
