I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
