so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
