if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
