piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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