Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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