i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
