put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
