I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
