Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
