Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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