i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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