Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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