I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
