We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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