i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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