just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
