Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My life is pants optional.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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