JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize