I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
