My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
