Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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