I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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