the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
