oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
