I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
